Creative writing

more creative writing (forwarded by a friend, not my own 'editing'):
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it!.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature, Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowlingball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at aspeed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love; when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide! crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paperfax machine that needed a band tightening.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. 

animal humor

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. 

She was a sorry sight. Hungry, dirty, smelly, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' 

Walking eagle

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

----------------------------------------------

On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, the esteemed Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Native Americans.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for Australia.

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Native American name - Walking Eagle.

A chuffed Julia then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Native Americans how they came to select the new name given to Julia Gillard.

He explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

Laugh

Laugh

 

Studies by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan have found that laughter 'lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexing, and boosts immune function.' It also triggers the release of endorphins, which act as the body's natural painkillers and produce a sense of well-being. 

The lesson? Laugh! Expose yourself to humor as often as possible through jokes, funny stories, comic strips taped up in your office, or anything else that makes you laugh.

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Paraprosdokians definition:
A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation e.g. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I write 'Doctor.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives. 

This is why we cannot let our newspapers go out of business

Some curious Headlines I received in an email the other day - enjoy:-) 

Merry Christmas... 

Laugh & Be Healthy - Where is the rabbit? by Philippe Moisan

Laugh & Be Healthy - Where is the rabbit? by Philippe Moisan

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

 Anonymous

MALE v FEMALE AT THE DRIVE THRU ATM

A new sign in the bank reads:

'Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your sex.'
*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on; put the window down.

4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile 'phone that you will call her/him back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine because of its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in the back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward two feet.

20. Reverse to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give finger to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for two to three kilometres.

27. Release hand brake.

  “Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, "What's in it for me?"”

     Brian Tracy

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Ideas For Working At Home

The cost of living is increasing day by day almost all over the world. Hence, both parents ought to go for a job. 

However it becomes difficult to spend time with the children. Work at home helps those who want to stay at home to look after their children and also want to stabilise their financial position.

You can get some work at home ideas from your friends or neighbors who might work from home. Look through the classifieds in local newspaper for some home based job opportunities. There are lots of proven ideas available on the internet.

However before selecting any idea, ensure that it really suits you. This is because any idea that benefits your neighbor or friend may not be suited for you.

There are some books and ebooks available in online that provides some successful work at home job or business ideas. These ideas can help you in your cash raising projects. The ideas are given to each and every person to suit his or her age and interest. Some books even provide step by step instructions to get success in work at home business and job.

Some work at home ideas:

1. Most of the home based workers find their work by asking their friends, relatives or neighbors whether they know some local employers who are looking for home based employees. You can also approach local companies nearby your residence to find out whether they use home based workers.

2. While you searching a work at home job online, try to find out a suitable job in a firm nearer to you so that you can collect and deliver work easily and can sort out any problems.

3. You can also get recommendations from other work at home employees who have worked and get payment from the company.

4. Before accepting a job, take some effort to find out that the company is a reliable one. This helps you avoid wasting your time, and that you get paid.

If you are looking for home based business that suits you and your lifestyle, then you can use some of the following work at home business ideas:

If you are a competent writer, then you can earn a good income as a ghost writer. In fact ghost writers are in high demand from website owners. You can also write an ebook or an old fashioned paper book. You can get lot of ideas from the internet to sell your ebook.

Kids’ oriented businesses are on the raise. Arranging children’s parties, running a kids’ day care, etc.

There are thousands of work at home jobs. However before going with any idea, ensure that you have real passion for that. Only then can you successfully achieve your goals. 

An interesting Aussie site where you can earn and get jobs done is Airtasker

You can use Airtasker to find people that can help with small jobs around the home or office or start earning extra money running simple tasks for people in your local community.

 

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A Chilli Story, and other potty humour

 I've been unable to find out who the author was, 

but it's an interesting read just the same.

I went grocery shopping the day after I had made and ate a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful. It comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL burn off.

This chili experience was different. I awoke that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I could not produce the usual morning symphony that my next door neighbors call 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet unsure of when, I set off for the local Wal-Mart. Upon entering the store all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

This pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forced their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, the peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this lethal vapor might escape me. Slowly -- oh so slowly -- the pressure left the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.

I watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and fleeing was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible but it also made me laugh ... BIG mistake!

When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down.' With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my hind end. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that shoppers in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, and praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side.

I got to the john and began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD ... purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of the true manifestation of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, disgustedly said, 'Son of a bitch!', and quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart and made to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me.
He said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me to laughing again, causing residual gases to escape. The employee took one sniff, jumped back, pulled his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!'
Then he ran off.
He returned moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili. I ate two more bowls. The next day I went to shop for provisions at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. 

 

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Life is an Adventure

basic business housekeeping.

There are multiple business types: a sole proprietorship, a partnership, a limited corporation, and a corporation. 

Most people in this business start as a sole proprietorship and then change business entities as they grow. 




You will next need a business name and at least a few minimum business basics:

• A business phone number and/or a cell phone with voice mail
• Business licenses
• Errors and omissions insurance
• Business letterhead and branded invoicing statements (these can simply be templates in Word or can be automated in accounting software)
• A business e-mail address
• A Web site
• Business cards with your contact information 
• A nice brochure that details your business focus and skills 
• social media presence (pages on Facebook and Google+ and a Twitter account at a
  minimum, all of which need to be actively maintained)

 Of all of these, the brochure is the least important in today’s environment; 

master social media and you’ll master marketing.

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Small Business Made Easy

There are many advantages in starting a home based business. You can enjoy the fun of working in a home atmosphere and can work at your convenient schedule. But running your own business requires lot of dedication and effort. Starting a business is hard work but the rewards can be enormous, hopefully the following will get the creative thought juices flowing.

BE YOUR OWN BOSS – THREE SUGGESTIONS TO NOTE

FOR THE RISK ADVERSE

Franchise is probably the best option, with franchising the market research has been done and the brand is established.

FOR THE REAL ENTREPRENEUR

Starting their own business has real appeal.  These are people who have ideas and don’t want anyone telling them how to implement them. But ideas alone do not make a business become successful.

FOR THE BUSINESS OWNER

If you opt to buy a business, do your due diligence. There are many things to consider and I highlight goodwill.  First, banks will not lend against goodwill. Second, It can disappear very quickly once the old owner leaves.  Many customers leave a business because of strong links to the previous owner.

A First step for the budding entrepreneur is an understanding of the language.

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE

This is the record of the money the business currently owes.

ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE

A record of the businesses entitlement to the proceeds of the sale of goods or services, for which payment has not yet been received,

BALANCE SHEET

Its the most important data in business – a statement of the financial position, showing the asset, liabilities and owners equity at a particular point in time.  In other words the balance sheet shows your businesses net worth.

BUSINESS PLAN

This is your map of your business, setting out what you want to achieve and how you will get there.  It usually includes your objectives, financial projections and marketing plan.  (Research shows around 60% of small businesses do not have a business plan).

 

CASH FLOW

For small business cash is the oxygen and keeping it moving will keep your business alive.  The most important aspect of cash flow management is avoiding extended cash shortages, caused by having too greater gap between cash inflows and outflows.  You won’t stay in business if you cannot pay your bills.  

COMPANY STRUCTURE

The majority of small business entrepreneurs run operate their business through a company structure, followed by sole traders, then trusts and partnerships.

CREDIT TERMS

This is the amount of time between when a customer receives goods or services, versus the expected time to pay for them.   It is reality that creditors or customers stretch payment terms, whereas debtors such as suppliers or banks may not be so flexible.

GOODWILL

This is the intangible asset of a business, reflecting the value of things such as reputation and customer loyalty.

MICRO-BUSINESS

These are the smallest businesses usually run from home.  The growth of the internet and online shopping has made running them much easier.

PARTNERSHIP

This type of business is where more than one person has a stake.  This can either be a “hands on” partner or a “silent” partner that provides start-up money but does not get involved in shaping the business.

PROFIT

The difference between profit and turnover is the fundamental principle of business success.  It is the amount of money left after all business expenses including tax have been paid.

To be a success in business, you must know how to manage time for work and family and an understanding of the basics outlined in this report will get you on your way. Above all, I think the best advice I received is to have fun, you cannot apply yourself fully to something if your heart is not in it.

I also recommend having a quick look at an inspiring set of tips in a blog post by Richard Branson.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

-- Tony Robbins

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International Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19 be "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" AARRGG


A little video to help you on your way matey.

[All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here] 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: 

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!