This is why we cannot let our newspapers go out of business

Some curious Headlines I received in an email the other day - enjoy:-) 

Merry Christmas... 

Laugh & Be Healthy - Where is the rabbit? by Philippe Moisan

Laugh & Be Healthy - Where is the rabbit? by Philippe Moisan

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

 Anonymous

MALE v FEMALE AT THE DRIVE THRU ATM

A new sign in the bank reads:

'Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your sex.'
*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on; put the window down.

4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile 'phone that you will call her/him back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine because of its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in the back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward two feet.

20. Reverse to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give finger to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for two to three kilometres.

27. Release hand brake.

  “Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, "What's in it for me?"”

     Brian Tracy

-->

Clickbank Products

Ideas For Working At Home

The cost of living is increasing day by day almost all over the world. Hence, both parents ought to go for a job. 

However it becomes difficult to spend time with the children. Work at home helps those who want to stay at home to look after their children and also want to stabilise their financial position.

You can get some work at home ideas from your friends or neighbors who might work from home. Look through the classifieds in local newspaper for some home based job opportunities. There are lots of proven ideas available on the internet.

However before selecting any idea, ensure that it really suits you. This is because any idea that benefits your neighbor or friend may not be suited for you.

There are some books and ebooks available in online that provides some successful work at home job or business ideas. These ideas can help you in your cash raising projects. The ideas are given to each and every person to suit his or her age and interest. Some books even provide step by step instructions to get success in work at home business and job.

Some work at home ideas:

1. Most of the home based workers find their work by asking their friends, relatives or neighbors whether they know some local employers who are looking for home based employees. You can also approach local companies nearby your residence to find out whether they use home based workers.

2. While you searching a work at home job online, try to find out a suitable job in a firm nearer to you so that you can collect and deliver work easily and can sort out any problems.

3. You can also get recommendations from other work at home employees who have worked and get payment from the company.

4. Before accepting a job, take some effort to find out that the company is a reliable one. This helps you avoid wasting your time, and that you get paid.

If you are looking for home based business that suits you and your lifestyle, then you can use some of the following work at home business ideas:

If you are a competent writer, then you can earn a good income as a ghost writer. In fact ghost writers are in high demand from website owners. You can also write an ebook or an old fashioned paper book. You can get lot of ideas from the internet to sell your ebook.

Kids’ oriented businesses are on the raise. Arranging children’s parties, running a kids’ day care, etc.

There are thousands of work at home jobs. However before going with any idea, ensure that you have real passion for that. Only then can you successfully achieve your goals. 

An interesting Aussie site where you can earn and get jobs done is Airtasker

You can use Airtasker to find people that can help with small jobs around the home or office or start earning extra money running simple tasks for people in your local community.

 

-->

Clickbank Products

A Chilli Story, and other potty humour

 I've been unable to find out who the author was, 

but it's an interesting read just the same.

I went grocery shopping the day after I had made and ate a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful. It comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL burn off.

This chili experience was different. I awoke that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I could not produce the usual morning symphony that my next door neighbors call 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet unsure of when, I set off for the local Wal-Mart. Upon entering the store all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

This pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forced their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, the peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this lethal vapor might escape me. Slowly -- oh so slowly -- the pressure left the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.

I watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and fleeing was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible but it also made me laugh ... BIG mistake!

When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down.' With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my hind end. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that shoppers in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, and praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side.

I got to the john and began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD ... purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of the true manifestation of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, disgustedly said, 'Son of a bitch!', and quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart and made to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me.
He said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me to laughing again, causing residual gases to escape. The employee took one sniff, jumped back, pulled his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!'
Then he ran off.
He returned moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili. I ate two more bowls. The next day I went to shop for provisions at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. 

 

Jonathan & Charlotte perform 'Rule the World'

simply amazing

Secure your Spot before the Beast is Unleashed!

It's lurking for now... prowling and growling

Straining to be UNLEASHED onto the internet.

Get a FRONT ROW SEAT for this exciting new concept

with a phenomenal way to earn DAILY residual income

While we can't spill ALL the details about our program until launch, we CAN tell you that...

•     You'll be able to have complete advertising campaigns on Auto-Pilot
•     You can receive RESIDUAL income up to $615 PER DAY
•     You can receive DAILY payouts
•     You'll earn on a downline up to 7 levels deep
•     Forced matrix is a Spillover MAGNET
•     No Daily Subscriptions / No Cycler

Life is an Adventure

basic business housekeeping.

There are multiple business types: a sole proprietorship, a partnership, a limited corporation, and a corporation. 

Most people in this business start as a sole proprietorship and then change business entities as they grow. 




You will next need a business name and at least a few minimum business basics:

• A business phone number and/or a cell phone with voice mail
• Business licenses
• Errors and omissions insurance
• Business letterhead and branded invoicing statements (these can simply be templates in Word or can be automated in accounting software)
• A business e-mail address
• A Web site
• Business cards with your contact information 
• A nice brochure that details your business focus and skills 
• social media presence (pages on Facebook and Google+ and a Twitter account at a
  minimum, all of which need to be actively maintained)

 Of all of these, the brochure is the least important in today’s environment; 

master social media and you’ll master marketing.

-->

Clickbank Products

Small Business Made Easy

There are many advantages in starting a home based business. You can enjoy the fun of working in a home atmosphere and can work at your convenient schedule. But running your own business requires lot of dedication and effort. Starting a business is hard work but the rewards can be enormous, hopefully the following will get the creative thought juices flowing.

BE YOUR OWN BOSS – THREE SUGGESTIONS TO NOTE

FOR THE RISK ADVERSE

Franchise is probably the best option, with franchising the market research has been done and the brand is established.

FOR THE REAL ENTREPRENEUR

Starting their own business has real appeal.  These are people who have ideas and don’t want anyone telling them how to implement them. But ideas alone do not make a business become successful.

FOR THE BUSINESS OWNER

If you opt to buy a business, do your due diligence. There are many things to consider and I highlight goodwill.  First, banks will not lend against goodwill. Second, It can disappear very quickly once the old owner leaves.  Many customers leave a business because of strong links to the previous owner.

A First step for the budding entrepreneur is an understanding of the language.

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE

This is the record of the money the business currently owes.

ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE

A record of the businesses entitlement to the proceeds of the sale of goods or services, for which payment has not yet been received,

BALANCE SHEET

Its the most important data in business – a statement of the financial position, showing the asset, liabilities and owners equity at a particular point in time.  In other words the balance sheet shows your businesses net worth.

BUSINESS PLAN

This is your map of your business, setting out what you want to achieve and how you will get there.  It usually includes your objectives, financial projections and marketing plan.  (Research shows around 60% of small businesses do not have a business plan).

 

CASH FLOW

For small business cash is the oxygen and keeping it moving will keep your business alive.  The most important aspect of cash flow management is avoiding extended cash shortages, caused by having too greater gap between cash inflows and outflows.  You won’t stay in business if you cannot pay your bills.  

COMPANY STRUCTURE

The majority of small business entrepreneurs run operate their business through a company structure, followed by sole traders, then trusts and partnerships.

CREDIT TERMS

This is the amount of time between when a customer receives goods or services, versus the expected time to pay for them.   It is reality that creditors or customers stretch payment terms, whereas debtors such as suppliers or banks may not be so flexible.

GOODWILL

This is the intangible asset of a business, reflecting the value of things such as reputation and customer loyalty.

MICRO-BUSINESS

These are the smallest businesses usually run from home.  The growth of the internet and online shopping has made running them much easier.

PARTNERSHIP

This type of business is where more than one person has a stake.  This can either be a “hands on” partner or a “silent” partner that provides start-up money but does not get involved in shaping the business.

PROFIT

The difference between profit and turnover is the fundamental principle of business success.  It is the amount of money left after all business expenses including tax have been paid.

To be a success in business, you must know how to manage time for work and family and an understanding of the basics outlined in this report will get you on your way. Above all, I think the best advice I received is to have fun, you cannot apply yourself fully to something if your heart is not in it.

I also recommend having a quick look at an inspiring set of tips in a blog post by Richard Branson.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

-- Tony Robbins

-->

Clickbank Products

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19 be "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" AARRGG


A little video to help you on your way matey.

[All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here] 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: 

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! 

5 Things You Need To Promote

This is a Great article published By Larry Johnson on IBO Tool Box, that I thought worthy of reproducing here as a reminder.  Left Intact with Larry's links so you can show your support.




 


5 Things You Need To Promote
By Larry Johnson

 I have always been impressed with those webmasters and others on line who do such a great job of promoting their business.

If two more-or-less equally skilled persons start a business on the internet, how is it that one of them does great and the other fails?

They must have some secret weapon that I haven't discovered yet. At least that is what I used to think, but I was wrong.

Here are 5 characteristics with which I believe anyone can improve their promotional efforts. These are present in most all successful on line workers.

- Organization

Basically, they have a plan that they use each week to approach the task of promotion of their business.

Something as simple as a checklist of tasks and activities for each day of the week.

A simple system that they use each day, and it keeps them on track...away for distractions.

I had a good friend who used to say, "Plan your work, and work your plan".

She was a very successful business woman that followed her own advice.

* * * * *
Your Own Pre-Built Health & Nutrition Store...  http://ibourl.com/zfj
Our Just Buy For Yourself At Wholesale!
* * * * *

- Consistency

They have surveyed lot of on line methods and determined the ones they will use. Once they have selected those methods they stay with them.

They don't jump around each day or so looking for the "magic bullet" with which to promote.

Hard work and consistency are keys in the daily activities of the successful on line worker.

- Determination

They aren't easily swayed by the latest email offer on line. Although they are open to new changes and software that can improve their efficiency.

They are not distracted to the point they lose momentum in their weekly checklist of activities and tasks.

I'll have to admit that email is a big distracter for me. If I would spend as much time promoting as I do with email, I would do a lot better job.

- Helpfulness

I think I see this attitude of wanting to share and be helpful to others in most all of the ones who have made it 'big" on line.

Reaching back and giving a hand to someone to help them up the hill seems to come easily to many of them.

I believe it was Zig Ziglar who said, "You can have anything you want as long as your willing to help others get what they want".

It's a good philosophy we might all adopt.

- Faith

They believe in themselves and what they are selling. They know that their product or service is good and many will benefit from it.

They are never involved in anything that is shady, or illegal. They seem to make a great effort to select and promote legitimate items and services.

I respect that in them.

- Larry

Note: (This article may be reprinted in your newsletter or on your site by leaving the resource below box intact.)

About the Author: Work Smarter Not Harder- Get your Fr*ee Guide to "Website Automation" a terrific 25-page ebook full time-saving resources.

Source:  www.isnare.com
Permanent Link:  www.isnare.com/?aid=165600&ca=Marketing

* * * * *
Get the Leadership Insights weekly newsletter at  http://ibourl.com/gek
Get $100 in Free Online Recruiting Tools with Your Free Subscription!

Importance of a Balanced Web Design - Users vs Search Engines

We hear and see everyday about the focuses on web design right now is ensuring that a website is SEO friendly. However, this does not always take into account how USER friendly a website is. If a website is optimized for search engines, it does not mean that it is easy to navigate or user friendly. To ensure that a website is popular and well-received, your web design should strike a balance and I recommend keeping these tips in mind.

Making Your Site Attractive and SEO Friendly

If you only focus on creating a website that is SEO friendly, you are likely to end up with an unattractive website. You don't need to use Flash and widgets, but complementary colors and an appealing logo can go a long way to making a website more visually attractive.

Most web users prefer websites that are clean and minimal, so you don't have to go crazy with images and the like. Still, having an aesthetically pleasing website can go a long way to making people enjoy being on and even returning to your web page. Additionally, using the HTML "ALT" tag for images and naming images based on keyword schemes are key parts of successful SEO strategies anyway.

Brief Tutorial on image ALT and TITLE Tags

When an image is to be displayed, the HTML code for that image must contain directions to the server on where that image is located. The image is then retrieved from that location and displayed in the web browser. The code might read: 

 < img src="pictures/image-keyword_tools.jpg">

NOTE: I had to put a space in between the < and > to ensure the HTML displayed correctly as text, No spaces are required in the actual code.

The tag acts as an instruction to the server to go to the source of the file, in this case, the directory "pictures", find the image called "image-keyword_tools.jpg".

Proper HTML code adds width and height information which allow your browser to hold a properly sized area open so the fast loading text is formatted around the picture while the slower loading image downloads. When those dimensional attributes are missing, the browser has no way of knowing in advance how much space to allocate for an image. Therefore, proper code will format the page in advance for a more professional appearance. An example HTML code will look like this example of a 125x125 pixel banner:

< img src="pictures/image-keyword_tools.jpg" width="125" height="125" >

Now, for the alt and title attributes. They look like this:

< img src="pictures/image-keyword_tools.jpg" width="125" height="125" alt="Web's Best Keyword Tools" title="Web's Best Keyword Tools" >

If you hover over the image below you will see a little text box pop up - look familiar? That's the title text anchor.

Web's Best Keyword Tools

Search engines can only read text. Images with alt tags allow search engines to match the description to the site's content possibly aiding in search engine rankings and more traffic via the "Google Images search".

So, hover over the images in your website.
Do they have the important alt and title text included?

Ensuring Your Website Is Easy To Navigate and Index

Another important part of user friendly website design is to ensure that people are able to navigate your web page. If people have trouble finding ways to contact you or other important information, they are likely to simply leave the site. Even if Google and other search engines can crawl and index your site with no problems, visitors need to be able to do the same.

Be sure that your navigation system is obvious and easy to use. Many webmasters use third-party testing resources to ensure that the layout of a website is simple to understand and that information is easy to locate. If you do not ensure that your website is easy to use, your conversion rate is likely to suffer.

The Importance of Quality Keyword Content

Google and other search engines use a variety of algorithms to check for what they consider to be quality content. These systems usually check for grammar and spelling errors and frequency of keyword use. However, they are not yet able to actually determine if quality content is actually informative or accurate.

This means that you can still create quality search engine content without creating quality visitor content. Having a large number of visitors to your site does you no good if they leave because of poor or incorrect content. This is why you should be sure that your content is well researched and relates to the keywords that you are using. Even if your website is an online store, you should be sure that your product descriptions are helpful and provide as much data to visitors as possible (hence ALT tags:-).

Having a high search engine ranking does not always mean a successful website. While search engine rankings can get visitors to your site, you still need to provide a quality experience to your visitors, web design is one part of that experience.

Be sure to balance your search engine optimization methods with visitor experience optimization, I hope these tips help with your success.