*The way we do it in Australia!*

*The way we do it in Australia!*


This morning I was
in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victoria
Bitter beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and
headed back home. I stopped at a
service station for fuel where a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up
her car at the next pump.

She glanced over at the two boxes of booze, bent over
and leaned in my passenger window, and said

in a sexy voice: "I'm a big believer in barter, fella. Would you be
interested in trading sex for beer?"



Well,I thought for a few seconds and asked:......................


.............."What kind of beer 'ya got?" 

     

What a great testimonial for the above book :-)

 

Too often you read a joke book that has good jokes, bad jokes, and HORRIBLE jokes. Dean, your book is one of those rarities in which, like an album by a band where EVERY song is good, the whole joke book rocks! 

I'm a cheap bastard, but I truly believe I got my money's worth with your book. It's added a HUGE amount of ammunition to my joke arsenal when I'm hanging out with people... I'm damn sure gonna buy Volume 2 if it every comes out. Thanks Dean. You rock.
-- Matt Fort Hood, Texas

Fw: Irony ... laughs

Forwarded to me in an email - something to bring a smile..

The bells are not always audible.

A friend of mine is in the fertilised egg business. He has several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten cockerels to fertilise the eggs.

He kept records, and any cockerels not performing, went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his cockerels.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which cockerel was performing.


Now, he could sit on outside his shed and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

His favourite cockerel, old David, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old David's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other cockerels were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To his amazement, old David had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

My friend was so proud of old David, he entered him in the South Yorkshire Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old David the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old David was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. 

A warning to Aussies on September 7, 2013

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

  “We should measure welfare's success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added.”
― Ronald Reagan

Hospital Humour

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Hospitals Greater Glasgow, Scotland:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 



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The Satnav

 I have a little SatNav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my adult life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that just occasionally
I could turn the damned thing off 

Creative writing

more creative writing (forwarded by a friend, not my own 'editing'):
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it!.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature, Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowlingball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at aspeed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love; when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide! crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paperfax machine that needed a band tightening.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. 

Laugh

Laugh

 

Studies by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan have found that laughter 'lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexing, and boosts immune function.' It also triggers the release of endorphins, which act as the body's natural painkillers and produce a sense of well-being. 

The lesson? Laugh! Expose yourself to humor as often as possible through jokes, funny stories, comic strips taped up in your office, or anything else that makes you laugh.

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Paraprosdokians definition:
A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation e.g. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I write 'Doctor.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives. 

This is why we cannot let our newspapers go out of business

Some curious Headlines I received in an email the other day - enjoy:-) 

Merry Christmas...