Fw: Irony ... laughs

Forwarded to me in an email - something to bring a smile..

The bells are not always audible.

A friend of mine is in the fertilised egg business. He has several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten cockerels to fertilise the eggs.

He kept records, and any cockerels not performing, went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his cockerels.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which cockerel was performing.


Now, he could sit on outside his shed and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

His favourite cockerel, old David, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old David's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other cockerels were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To his amazement, old David had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

My friend was so proud of old David, he entered him in the South Yorkshire Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old David the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old David was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. 

A warning to Aussies on September 7, 2013

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

  “We should measure welfare's success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added.”
― Ronald Reagan

A Dozen Ways to Increase Your Happiness

Being happy isn't as hard as it appears. 

Below we will cover a dozen things that will increase your sense of happiness and make your life more fulfilling.

1- Social networks or relationships are essential to happiness. People are different, accept people for who or what they are, keep away from arguments, and let go of all kinds of resentments. If arguments seem inevitable, try to see the other persons view.

2- Gratitude is a great attitude.  We have so much to be thankful for. Taking time to thank those who provide even the smallest thing will help you realise how abundant your life is.

3- News is stressful. Get less of it.

4- Being part of a spiritual group with its singing, sacraments, chanting, prayers and meditations encourages inner peace.

5- Manage your time. Time is invaluable and too important to waste.

6- Laugh and laugh vigorously everyday.  Heard a good joke? Tell your friends or family about it. As they also say -'Laughter is the best medicine'.

7- Communicate your feelings, affections, friendship and passion to people around you.

8- Try not to keep pent up anger of frustrations, this is bad for your health. Instead find ways of expressing them in a way that will not cause more injury or hurt to anyone.

9- Working hard brings great personal contentment. It gives a sense of being capable in finishing our tasks. Work on things that you feel are valuable of your time.

 10- Learning is a joyful exercise. Try and learn something new each day.  Learning also makes us increase our horizons.

11- Run, jog, walk and do other things that your body was made for. Feel alive.

12- Avoid exposure to negative elements like loud noises, toxins and hazardous places.

Don't you feel better already?  Share the love today.....

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Changes to Cisco certification 2013

What changes are Cisco making to the CCNA?

Cisco has made some changes to Associate-level certifications and also renamed the CCNA certification to CCNA Routing and Switching certification. The CCNA certification has changed from a foundation certification to a concentration certification.

How is the CCNA Routing and Switching different from the current CCNA?

CCNA Routing and Switching is the same certification as the CCNA, however the syllabuses for ICND1, ICND2 and CCNA Composite have been changed to keep up with technology advancements and job roles.

There are some awesome sites I've found for furthering your IT career 

if that's your thing:

Free Cisco Labs for CCNA, CCNP and CCIE R&S!

 The Best collection of IT exam questions on the net 

for all subjects.

Inner gatekeeper audio

I have a dynamite tip for you...

Dr. Robert Anthony, has a free audio available that reveals how to silence your Inner

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Hospital Humour

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Hospitals Greater Glasgow, Scotland:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 



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The Satnav

 I have a little SatNav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my adult life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that just occasionally
I could turn the damned thing off 

What is a Credit Rating

A credit rating is used by banks and lending companies to make decisions on your loan or credit applications. It determines whether a person is reliable enough to be given a money credit. With a not so good credit rating, you may get rejected for a loan or if you are lucky will be given a fraction of the amount that you are asking, for a higher interest rate and a shorter payment period.

NOTE: This is not the amount of purchases that you did with your credit card or the points that you accumulate with a credit card.


A credit rating depends on a lot of factors. One of which is your reputation as a borrower. Lenders also ask the following questions:

• Are you always late in your payments for your credit card?
• Are you always knee deep in debt because you cannot seem to get around to paying each one?
• Do you have maxed out credit cards?
• Have you had any other credit or loan that you have paid for or are still paying?
• How many are they?
• Have you had any problems paying for your loans?

Other considerations that make up your credit score is income that you are receiving currently. People who have high income are generally perceived as someone who can handle a loan. Another factor besides the ability to pay factor is the amount of debt that you have. If the bank feels that it is too much debt for one person, they can easily reject your application.

Here's some tips to improving your credit rating

learn to spend cash only on the essentials. This means food. Surely you can do without a new pair of shoes, clothes or jewelry for the time being. 

If you have a few credit cards, pay off the credit card that has the highest interest rate first then work on the rest. The objective here is to be debt free. When that happens, you can cancel some of them and keep two or three and to maintain your credit rating, make sure you only use up 25% or less of the maximum limit.

For those who make a lot of long distance calls, now is the time to reduce them.

If you have a few accounts that you don’t really need, close them.

Energy conservation (turning off the lights etc) will also save money when times are tight.

For business, ensuring you keep up to date with the latest law changes and insurance can help as well.

Developing Workplace Health and Safety Procedures for your business can be a huge task.
Other than the obvious – ensuring that your people get home safely each day without injury, the Government has placed sizeable penalties and dishes out some pretty decent sized fines for non compliance, especially if there is an injury in the workplace. Clearly, it's not worth the risk. The challenge however, is in not spending all your weekends and nights trying to write safety procedures yourself, or at the other end of the spectrum - paying through the nose for a decent safety package. It's the balance of getting a high quality service for a reasonable rate.

If you're looking for a completely comprehensive WHS/OHS Package - Visit the BlueSafe Australia site.

The Post Tortoise

A commentary on the current Australian political scene perhaps?

An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery. 

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post
Tortoise' was?

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face,
continued to explain. 

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb jackass put him up there to begin with."

 “Life's Tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late.”

 - Benjamin Franklin

Creative writing

more creative writing (forwarded by a friend, not my own 'editing'):
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it!.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature, Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowlingball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at aspeed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love; when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide! crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paperfax machine that needed a band tightening.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. 

animal humor

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. 

She was a sorry sight. Hungry, dirty, smelly, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' 

Walking eagle

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

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On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, the esteemed Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Native Americans.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for Australia.

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Native American name - Walking Eagle.

A chuffed Julia then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Native Americans how they came to select the new name given to Julia Gillard.

He explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

Laugh

Laugh

 

Studies by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan have found that laughter 'lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexing, and boosts immune function.' It also triggers the release of endorphins, which act as the body's natural painkillers and produce a sense of well-being. 

The lesson? Laugh! Expose yourself to humor as often as possible through jokes, funny stories, comic strips taped up in your office, or anything else that makes you laugh.

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Paraprosdokians definition:
A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation e.g. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I write 'Doctor.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives. 

This is why we cannot let our newspapers go out of business

Some curious Headlines I received in an email the other day - enjoy:-) 

Merry Christmas...