“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
Anonymous
Friday, November 30, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
A new sign in the bank reads:
'Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your sex.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on; put the window down.
4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile 'phone that you will call her/him back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine because of its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in the back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward two feet.
20. Reverse to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give finger to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for two to three kilometres.
27. Release hand brake.
“Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, "What's in it for me?"”
Brian Tracy
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Ideas For Working At Home
The cost of living is increasing day by day almost all over the world. Hence, both parents ought to go for a job.
However it becomes difficult to spend time with the children. Work at home helps those who want to stay at home to look after their children and also want to stabilise their financial position.
You can get some work at home ideas from your friends or neighbors who might work from home. Look through the classifieds in local newspaper for some home based job opportunities. There are lots of proven ideas available on the internet.
However before selecting any idea, ensure that it really suits you. This is because any idea that benefits your neighbor or friend may not be suited for you.
There are some books and ebooks available in online that provides some successful work at home job or business ideas. These ideas can help you in your cash raising projects. The ideas are given to each and every person to suit his or her age and interest. Some books even provide step by step instructions to get success in work at home business and job.
Some work at home ideas:
1. Most of the home based workers find their work by asking their friends, relatives or neighbors whether they know some local employers who are looking for home based employees. You can also approach local companies nearby your residence to find out whether they use home based workers.
2. While you searching a work at home job online, try to find out a suitable job in a firm nearer to you so that you can collect and deliver work easily and can sort out any problems.
3. You can also get recommendations from other work at home employees who have worked and get payment from the company.
4. Before accepting a job, take some effort to find out that the company is a reliable one. This helps you avoid wasting your time, and that you get paid.
If you are looking for home based business that suits you and your lifestyle, then you can use some of the following work at home business ideas:
If you are a competent writer, then you can earn a good income as a ghost writer. In fact ghost writers are in high demand from website owners. You can also write an ebook or an old fashioned paper book. You can get lot of ideas from the internet to sell your ebook.
Kids’ oriented businesses are on the raise. Arranging children’s parties, running a kids’ day care, etc.
There are thousands of work at home jobs. However before going with any idea, ensure that you have real passion for that. Only then can you successfully achieve your goals.
An interesting Aussie site where you can earn and get jobs done is Airtasker
You can use Airtasker to find people that can help with small jobs around the home or office or start earning extra money running simple tasks for people in your local community.
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Sunday, November 11, 2012
A Chilli Story, and other potty humour
I've been unable to find out who the author was,
but it's an interesting read just the same.
I went grocery shopping the day after I had made and ate a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful. It comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL burn off.
This chili experience was different. I awoke that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I could not produce the usual morning symphony that my next door neighbors call 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet unsure of when, I set off for the local Wal-Mart. Upon entering the store all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
This pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forced their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, the peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this lethal vapor might escape me. Slowly -- oh so slowly -- the pressure left the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and fleeing was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible but it also made me laugh ... BIG mistake!
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down.' With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my hind end. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that shoppers in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, and praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side.
I got to the john and began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD ... purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of the true manifestation of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, disgustedly said, 'Son of a bitch!', and quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart and made to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me.
He said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me to laughing again, causing residual gases to escape. The employee took one sniff, jumped back, pulled his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!'
Then he ran off.
He returned moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili. I ate two more bowls. The next day I went to shop for provisions at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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