ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: 

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! 

5 Things You Need To Promote

This is a Great article published By Larry Johnson on IBO Tool Box, that I thought worthy of reproducing here as a reminder.  Left Intact with Larry's links so you can show your support.




 


5 Things You Need To Promote
By Larry Johnson

 I have always been impressed with those webmasters and others on line who do such a great job of promoting their business.

If two more-or-less equally skilled persons start a business on the internet, how is it that one of them does great and the other fails?

They must have some secret weapon that I haven't discovered yet. At least that is what I used to think, but I was wrong.

Here are 5 characteristics with which I believe anyone can improve their promotional efforts. These are present in most all successful on line workers.

- Organization

Basically, they have a plan that they use each week to approach the task of promotion of their business.

Something as simple as a checklist of tasks and activities for each day of the week.

A simple system that they use each day, and it keeps them on track...away for distractions.

I had a good friend who used to say, "Plan your work, and work your plan".

She was a very successful business woman that followed her own advice.

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- Consistency

They have surveyed lot of on line methods and determined the ones they will use. Once they have selected those methods they stay with them.

They don't jump around each day or so looking for the "magic bullet" with which to promote.

Hard work and consistency are keys in the daily activities of the successful on line worker.

- Determination

They aren't easily swayed by the latest email offer on line. Although they are open to new changes and software that can improve their efficiency.

They are not distracted to the point they lose momentum in their weekly checklist of activities and tasks.

I'll have to admit that email is a big distracter for me. If I would spend as much time promoting as I do with email, I would do a lot better job.

- Helpfulness

I think I see this attitude of wanting to share and be helpful to others in most all of the ones who have made it 'big" on line.

Reaching back and giving a hand to someone to help them up the hill seems to come easily to many of them.

I believe it was Zig Ziglar who said, "You can have anything you want as long as your willing to help others get what they want".

It's a good philosophy we might all adopt.

- Faith

They believe in themselves and what they are selling. They know that their product or service is good and many will benefit from it.

They are never involved in anything that is shady, or illegal. They seem to make a great effort to select and promote legitimate items and services.

I respect that in them.

- Larry

Note: (This article may be reprinted in your newsletter or on your site by leaving the resource below box intact.)

About the Author: Work Smarter Not Harder- Get your Fr*ee Guide to "Website Automation" a terrific 25-page ebook full time-saving resources.

Source:  www.isnare.com
Permanent Link:  www.isnare.com/?aid=165600&ca=Marketing

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Importance of a Balanced Web Design - Users vs Search Engines

We hear and see everyday about the focuses on web design right now is ensuring that a website is SEO friendly. However, this does not always take into account how USER friendly a website is. If a website is optimized for search engines, it does not mean that it is easy to navigate or user friendly. To ensure that a website is popular and well-received, your web design should strike a balance and I recommend keeping these tips in mind.

Making Your Site Attractive and SEO Friendly

If you only focus on creating a website that is SEO friendly, you are likely to end up with an unattractive website. You don't need to use Flash and widgets, but complementary colors and an appealing logo can go a long way to making a website more visually attractive.

Most web users prefer websites that are clean and minimal, so you don't have to go crazy with images and the like. Still, having an aesthetically pleasing website can go a long way to making people enjoy being on and even returning to your web page. Additionally, using the HTML "ALT" tag for images and naming images based on keyword schemes are key parts of successful SEO strategies anyway.

Brief Tutorial on image ALT and TITLE Tags

When an image is to be displayed, the HTML code for that image must contain directions to the server on where that image is located. The image is then retrieved from that location and displayed in the web browser. The code might read: 

 < img src="pictures/image-keyword_tools.jpg">

NOTE: I had to put a space in between the < and > to ensure the HTML displayed correctly as text, No spaces are required in the actual code.

The tag acts as an instruction to the server to go to the source of the file, in this case, the directory "pictures", find the image called "image-keyword_tools.jpg".

Proper HTML code adds width and height information which allow your browser to hold a properly sized area open so the fast loading text is formatted around the picture while the slower loading image downloads. When those dimensional attributes are missing, the browser has no way of knowing in advance how much space to allocate for an image. Therefore, proper code will format the page in advance for a more professional appearance. An example HTML code will look like this example of a 125x125 pixel banner:

< img src="pictures/image-keyword_tools.jpg" width="125" height="125" >

Now, for the alt and title attributes. They look like this:

< img src="pictures/image-keyword_tools.jpg" width="125" height="125" alt="Web's Best Keyword Tools" title="Web's Best Keyword Tools" >

If you hover over the image below you will see a little text box pop up - look familiar? That's the title text anchor.

Web's Best Keyword Tools

Search engines can only read text. Images with alt tags allow search engines to match the description to the site's content possibly aiding in search engine rankings and more traffic via the "Google Images search".

So, hover over the images in your website.
Do they have the important alt and title text included?

Ensuring Your Website Is Easy To Navigate and Index

Another important part of user friendly website design is to ensure that people are able to navigate your web page. If people have trouble finding ways to contact you or other important information, they are likely to simply leave the site. Even if Google and other search engines can crawl and index your site with no problems, visitors need to be able to do the same.

Be sure that your navigation system is obvious and easy to use. Many webmasters use third-party testing resources to ensure that the layout of a website is simple to understand and that information is easy to locate. If you do not ensure that your website is easy to use, your conversion rate is likely to suffer.

The Importance of Quality Keyword Content

Google and other search engines use a variety of algorithms to check for what they consider to be quality content. These systems usually check for grammar and spelling errors and frequency of keyword use. However, they are not yet able to actually determine if quality content is actually informative or accurate.

This means that you can still create quality search engine content without creating quality visitor content. Having a large number of visitors to your site does you no good if they leave because of poor or incorrect content. This is why you should be sure that your content is well researched and relates to the keywords that you are using. Even if your website is an online store, you should be sure that your product descriptions are helpful and provide as much data to visitors as possible (hence ALT tags:-).

Having a high search engine ranking does not always mean a successful website. While search engine rankings can get visitors to your site, you still need to provide a quality experience to your visitors, web design is one part of that experience.

Be sure to balance your search engine optimization methods with visitor experience optimization, I hope these tips help with your success.

Something useful

Something useful

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

A great source of traffic for you

Every day we see emails about generating traffic for our sites,
but traffic means little without "conversions", because THAT`S WHAT PAYS!

TRAFFIC DELIVERS has the most responsive group of surfers on the net 

and has an admin that works hard for YOU!

If you are not already a member, just sign up, surf 25 sites in the first 48 hours 

and then enter the promocode for 100 credits, Banners and text ads credits as well .  

Even free members get 25 credits a month.  I recommend upgrading if you can, I did and haven't looked back!    
 
Happy surfing.
Ian B 

Clickbank Products

The neighbour letter

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,


Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.


Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.


I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.


As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.


I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.


And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.


I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.


It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again #######? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:


1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.


As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:


What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f**k up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

F**k off back to Austria. 

The Keys To Successful Entrepreneurship

Entrepreneurship is very appealing to people in leadership. You get to be your own boss and the challenges of building your own business can be exciting. Is entrepreneurship something that you have considered? 

Perhaps the idea of working for yourself sounds appealing, but you don't know where to begin. Maybe you've worked a full-time job all of your life and are afraid of what working on your own might mean. 

Here are some things to consider as you think about entrepreneurship.

I. Get your spouse's support:
Starting your own business will take a lot of mental and physical stamina. You will work long hours and will likely spend many days and nights away from home networking, marketing and building your business from the ground up. Be sure to discuss what entrepreneurship will mean with your spouse and get his/her buy-in. Having your spouse's support and partnership as you take on a new endeavor will provide you with the extra fuel that you need when the going gets tough.

II. Get your financial house in order:
Entrepreneurship is rewarding, but also very risky. In fact, many small businesses spend more than they make the first year of business. Before you take the plunge, work to clear your consumer debt and create a nest-egg that you will be able to rely on. Perhaps you want to cut back on your hours at work to ensure that you still have some steady income and health benefits while you develop your small business.

III. Plan and prepare:
According to the Small Business Administration, 50% of small businesses fail within the first year. One of the primary reasons they fail is lack of planning and preparation. Take the time to get advice from the Small Business Administration or local economic development corporation. You may even decide to invest in a business coach who can help you develop a solid business plan and marketing strategy.

IV. Stay focused:
Entrepreneurship requires self-motivation, stamina, persistence and focus. You will need to program your mind for success. In order to do so, surround yourself with other like minded individuals. Join your local Chamber of Commerce or join a mastermind group. Both will offer you the opportunity to network with other entrepreneurs who can share in your experience, provide helpful advice and even offer strategic partnership opportunities.

There is a lot to consider before becoming an entrepreneur, but if you plan and prepare it can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling.

Amazingly simple home remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

The one pot garden

I know that those of us who live in apartments or condominiums don't necessarily have outside space, but you can actually have a lovely one-pot garden if you have a sunny window or balcony.

It is amazing how simple it can actually be. The first thing you need for a one-pot garden is a large pot that has a drainage hole in the bottom, and a saucer to put underneath. If you are growing inside instead of on a balcony or porch, you'll probably want to put down extra protection for your floor or carpet. You'll also need some good organic potting soil, some fertilizer, and of course, plants.

You can even mix flowers with veggies for the best of both worlds. The right flowers, herbs, and vegetables planted together can help keep bugs at bay. In addition to adding color to your one-pot garden, flowers like tansies deter Japanese beetles, nasturtiums keep away aphids, and marigolds repel whiteflies and a host of other garden pests. Pick one or more to decorate your pot.

My personal favorite choices for a one-pot garden are basil, parsley, marjoram, a staked tomato and several marigolds to go around the edge. Of course these aren't the only things you can plant. Do a little research online or ask at your local garden shop, and you may find even better ones than I suggested here. Also, keep in mind that the bigger the pot, the more you can grow in it. If you have an outdoor patio or deck you might consider using a large tin tub or an old child's wagon with holes drilled in the bottom for drainage, so you can add even more to your one-pot garden.

Keep an eye on your soil moisture, as potted plants tend to dry out faster than a large garden bed would. Also, make sure to fertilize according to the instructions on the bag or bottle and put your pot in a spot where it will get 7 or more hours of sunshine a day. With a little attention you'll soon have a lovely one-pot garden that will provide you with tasty vegetables and herbs as well as beautiful flowers.

If you enjoy cooking with fresh herbs and like to put tomatoes in your salads, but your space to grow them is limited, you may find my one-pot garden idea perfect for the spring and summer.

6 Tips to Help Make Your Solo Ads Better

One of the biggest ways that TAE members gauge their success is through the Click-Through-Rate (CTR) of their membership solo ads. An active TAE is only half of the reason for a successful ad, the other half would be having a great looking ad that entices people to read and take action on your advertising offer. Today, we are looking to give you some simple tips that will help you create better formatted, easier to read, and more responsive solo ads.

Click the link to read more...6 Tips to Help Make Your Solo Ads Better

The banner advertisment extravaganza

Banners are an overlooked commodity, they are a great brander
and signup generator.



Also known as “display ads”, banner advertisements are a form of

graphical ads embedded into a webpage, typically including 

images, text and/or video designed to convey a marketing message

and cause the user to take an action.


Banner dimensions are typically defined by width and height,

represented in pixels.



There are a number of great sites recently launched,  where you can

advertise your humble 468x60 banners and get huge traffic for free.

Sign up to one or all of them like I have and get your banners working for you.  Each one has different features so just click the "Banners" and have a look. :-)

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Cash In On Banners








Join free and rotate your banners on thousands of pages!

Upgrade for only $10 one-time directly paid to another
member, get it back with only one referral, multiply
the exposure of your banners and start getting unlimited
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Cash Abyss

Marianne Meyers new site (Just Opened!)
Easy - 3 quick steps.
A) All you do is signup.
B) Login and choose the degree you want your banners shown.
C) Add your banners.

Put your banner in the system today (yes, 1 at zipcost)


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VTraffic Rush






Sign Up free and get your banners in rotation.
This site also has "Viral Grid".

There are regular cash prizes up to $5 and a progressive jackpot that grows
based on Viral Grid activity!  Free members get 25 chances, pro members get 50 chances every day!


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Banners Banners everywhere
When signing up to Conversion Surf , in the first few pages of surfing,
before I'd even reached 25 pages to enable the account
I was awarded 100 banner impressions.
Sign up and get your share too! 

Surf 25 to Activate and receive signup bonus
100 credits 250 banner and 250 text ad impressions






Conversion surf is so good it will require it's own review page,

because it's run by Doug from the famous Traffic delivers site, you know it's good.


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And finally a recently launched TE called Goldmine of traffic
Referral Contest Underway - great prizes!
Use promo code: starter and jvupgrade for a stack of advertisments.
Just for signing up with these promocodes you get 30 banners free.
(Not to mention button banners and solos, login ads, free JV membership etc).

Never pay to display your banners again!

Join these sites free and rotate your banners on thousands of pages!

Need a gift for that special someone?

wholesale jewelry beads & beading suppliers, cheap price & quick shipment

 

Jewellery may be made from a wide range of materials, but gemstones, precious metals, beads and shells have been widely used. Depending on the culture and times jewellery may be appreciated as a status symbol, for its material properties, its patterns, or for meaningful symbols. Jewellery has been made to adorn nearly every body part, from hairpins to toe rings.

Humans have been producing and wearing it for a long time – with 100,000-year-old beads made from Nassarius shells thought to be the oldest known jewellery

Together we activate the power of "We"

I've just joined  WAZZUB and you should too.

Do you know why?...

WAZZUB is the first truly global community that pays its members

for doing NOTHING different than what they are currently doing every day.

WAZZUB claims you'll get paid and all you'll have to do is make WAZZUB

is your home page. Kinda like google ads.

You could earn UNLIMITED PASSIVE INCOME every month for LIFE!

What have you got to lose? Check it out and join for F*R*E*E.

Lets see what happens on April/10/2012 when they fully launch together.

Regards,

Ian B

Do you need content for your website or blog

Just checked out weekly free PLR Articles -- it's a pretty sweet site that gives you 5 free PLR articles every week to do whatever you want with. You can use them for blog posts, website content, even traffic generation. Its worth having a look.

You should get weekly free PLR Articles now!

The Royal letter

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)


Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. 

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Aussie Bloke Etiquette

In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.



Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.


Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,
it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.